I'm perpetuating a stereotype, I know. You would think I had tourets if within five minutes of meeting me, I found a spider in the room. That's how bad it is. If it's any consolation to my gender, I truly believe that the world can be fixed with a little duct tape AND I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity to Meatspin* one of my male coworkers.
Despite the wasps (that don't lose their stinger and may in fact see fit to continue stabbing you with their venomous asses!) building their empire under my front porch light, and in spite of the bulbous spider in my living room last week that I thought might be full of teensy gangly babies but was full of pus (really! which would you rather? Honestly?!), I'm rejoicing in the absence of greater misfortune.
That word, misfortune. It's so often an understatement. Cause if I ran into one these fuckers on a lackadaisical hike, I would assume I'd done something monstrous and was indeed in hell.
Exploding Ant
Asian Giant Hornet
Guess what you can do in Asia?! Welllll. If you somehow manage to dodge the sting of this mammothlike insect, you're the exception to the rule and shall win a prize (see below). But first, let's check out your amazing odds. Dozens of people in Japan, China, Russia and other Asian countries die from the sting of this hornet every year. It's toxicity is not only impressive, it's the stuff of nightmares. Steven King himself could not make this shit up.
The venom in this bugger's sting has the opposite effect of painkillers. Rather than silencing those neurological pain signals that acetominophen and naproxen sodium keep on the DL, it intensifies pain, which has been described as a "hot needle entering the body". What the fuck.
And that's not even the worse part: the venom can make your skin melt and dissolve like acid. It's also known to defensively chase a perceived threat for great distances. Like from the Yang-Tse to France. It was probably a cargo ship that introduced the species, actually, but they're population in France has been growing like weeds, threatening the honey bee population. Boo hoo?
So! Guess what your grand prize is? Hornet sashimi! Yum!
So not a joke. Hornet larvae sushi.
Whistling / Barking / Bird-Eating Spider
At the very least, this is an eccentric tarantula. It's shy, it lives in holes in the dirt, it minds its own spidery business. When provoked, however, by an average suburban Australian gardener with a trowel, this six inch spider will HISS. Apparently this spider thinks its a cat. It preys on the same doorstep "gifts" that a cat would, such as small birds, frogs, mice, and lizards. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. They can live anywhere between 30-80 years.
Bulldog Ant
G'day, Mate!
The bulldog ant, or the "jack jumper", is almost a respectable genus of insect. It has to procreate to live. Adult ants cannot digest solid proteins, so it regurgitates small insects, gums, and honeydew to its young. Their litter of bulldog ant puppies then oozes a much more agreeable meal. It's the biggest ant in the world, too. A whopping two inches long! Thus, this ant will take over the world. Well, actually, that's debatable. These ants are like testosterone-pumped body-builders. All mandible, no IQ:
"...if it is cut in two, a battle begins between the head and the tail. The head seizes the tail in its teeth, and the tail defends itself bravely by stinging the head: the battle may last for half an hour, until they die or are dragged away by other ants..." (Wiki)
Speaking of which, what's the difference between a bulldog ant and a hockey mom?
Spider Wasp
Spiders have got it coming, I know that much, but this is still pretty cold hearted. And straight out of Alien. The spider wasp prepares a nest and attacks a spider, rendering it paralyzed. It's helpless as it's toted off by a wasp that closely resembles Zorak the praying mantis from Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Look at those eyes!
The wasp rides off into the sunset with the spider with incredibly dark intentions. In its nest, the wasp lays its eggs onto the abdomen of the spider. As the larvae hatch into little cold hearted wasp babies, they will feed on the spider. WHILE IT'S STILL ALIVE.
Moral of the story, kids, is don't go to the rainforest, or to Southeast Asia, or to Australia. In fact, Greenland is paradise this time of year. You might even be able to arrange a timeshare in the very near future.
*You don't wanna know. But you can find out if you google it. This is your warning. Some things cannot be unseen. That's all I'm gonna say.
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