Baptisms for the Dead

When asked about some of the stranger beliefs and practices of the Mormon culture, I get a lot of raised eyebrows when I mention baptisms for the dead. Some will even ask, "before they're buried?"

...

and that would be pretty weird too, but no. A living surrogate goes into the baptismal font inside a Mormon temple and is baptized on behalf of the deceased. The surrogate (which makes it sound more bizarre, but I don't know what else to call it) must be a temple-worthy church member, which is to say that they've already been baptized themselves. Usually, the teenagers in the church will make day trips to do this.

 This is where you will become a Mormon someday. Mkay?

Following the physical baptism in the monumental baptismal font, a priesthood holder (male adult, cause females can't "hold" the priesthood) will give them a confirmation/blessing "by the laying on of hands" (hee) and then TADA! If the deceased was wishin' and hopin' for a mormon church membership up there in Mormon hell (called The Outer Darkness), and God says it's okay, he's let into one of the three mormon heavens (called The Three Degrees of Glory), who knows which one? It's part of the fun.

But what if you were an atheist? What if you'd heard of the Mormon church, chose not to join, and that was that? Isn't it kind of disrespectful to go back and be like, "oh, just in case..."

Isn't it kind of like giving a Christian person an Islamic funeral, or vice versa?

And what about martyrs, or people who died for believing a certain way? Oh wait, that so happened. The Mormons baptized the holocaust victims of World War II. I wonder if they baptized Hitler? What's the point? And wouldn't that be a bit awkward for whatever pimple-plagued sixteen year old kid that would get dunked in Hitler's name? 

Oh ho ho, if you don't think they'll do it to you when you die, you're wrong. These people scour obituaries and family history records, just waiting to get their hands on names. Why do you think Mormons have the largest genealogical database in the world? 

Well my dear end-of-times compatriots, we can take it all back. Atheize the dead!

"Wish to convert a friend, relative, acquaintance, loved one, or stranger to atheism but feel that you missed your opportunity because they're dead? Well worry no more! IAmAnAtheist.com now provides a handy service whereby we atheize the deceased completely free of charge!!!"
 
From their FAQ:

My religious friends tell me that as an atheist I'm doing Satan's work. How should I respond?
Tell them that you do not work for Satan. Tell them you also do not work for leprechauns or the Wizard of OZ. Also, consider broadening your circle of friends.

Perhaps this isn't a Sign of the Apocalypse after all. Perhaps it's a sign of progress, albeit a teensy one.