Signs of the Apocalypse

Crown Jewels: Condoms Fit For Royalty

2011-02-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

"Lie back and think of England" states the page title for Crown Jewel Condoms, a prophylactic commemorating the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Fame in Great Britain is a heavy, freaky burden indeed. Kate Middleton could be a queen years and years down the road, but she'll have the creepiest subjects in the free world. The kind of subjects that make Extra Large Empire Condoms and Extra Strong Churchill Condoms. I dunno about you, but when I think of rough sex, I think of Winston Churchill.

"England boasts some of the finest lovemaking in the world, with a tradition of coitus going back generations." No shit, Sherlock! How do you think the rest of us got here?

What really gets me beyond the mental WHY is the logical why. These condoms exist for no reason other than to make money for creeps and I'll give you two reasons:

1."Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs." - The official website offering the condom. So... they're useless.

2. I'm pretty sure that if you're the future King of the British Empire, you don't have to wear a rubber if you don't feel like it.

Baptisms for the Dead

2010-11-03T16:07:00.000-07:00

When asked about some of the stranger beliefs and practices of the Mormon culture, I get a lot of raised eyebrows when I mention baptisms for the dead. Some will even ask, "before they're buried?"

...

and that would be pretty weird too, but no. A living surrogate goes into the baptismal font inside a Mormon temple and is baptized on behalf of the deceased. The surrogate (which makes it sound more bizarre, but I don't know what else to call it) must be a temple-worthy church member, which is to say that they've already been baptized themselves. Usually, the teenagers in the church will make day trips to do this.

This is where you will become a Mormon someday. Mkay?

Following the physical baptism in the monumental baptismal font, a priesthood holder (male adult, cause females can't "hold" the priesthood) will give them a confirmation/blessing "by the laying on of hands" (hee) and then TADA! If the deceased was wishin' and hopin' for a mormon church membership up there in Mormon hell (called The Outer Darkness), and God says it's okay, he's let into one of the three mormon heavens (called The Three Degrees of Glory), who knows which one? It's part of the fun.

But what if you were an atheist? What if you'd heard of the Mormon church, chose not to join, and that was that? Isn't it kind of disrespectful to go back and be like, "oh, just in case..."

Isn't it kind of like giving a Christian person an Islamic funeral, or vice versa?

And what about martyrs, or people who died for believing a certain way? Oh wait, that so happened. The Mormons baptized the holocaust victims of World War II. I wonder if they baptized Hitler? What's the point? And wouldn't that be a bit awkward for whatever pimple-plagued sixteen year old kid that would get dunked in Hitler's name?

Oh ho ho, if you don't think they'll do it to you when you die, you're wrong. These people scour obituaries and family history records, just waiting to get their hands on names. Why do you think Mormons have the largest genealogical database in the world?

Well my dear end-of-times compatriots, we can take it all back. Atheize the dead!

"Wish to convert a friend, relative, acquaintance, loved one, or stranger to atheism but feel that you missed your opportunity because they're dead? Well worry no more! IAmAnAtheist.com now provides a handy service whereby we atheize the deceased completely free of charge!!!"

From their FAQ:

My religious friends tell me that as an atheist I'm doing Satan's work. How should I respond?
Tell them that you do not work for Satan. Tell them you also do not work for leprechauns or the Wizard of OZ. Also, consider broadening your circle of friends.

Perhaps this isn't a Sign of the Apocalypse after all. Perhaps it's a sign of progress, albeit a teensy one.

The Hot Trendy Chic and Tacky Modern Fashion in Pants

2010-09-18T20:11:00.000-07:00

Fashion has taken a turn for the worse, and crashed in someone's living room. These aren't top dollar items either; they're middle-of-the-road, modestly priced articles of clothing so you know they've taken cues from the more expensive designers. And they're all on ModCloth! I used to covet every other dress and necklace they'd feature in their "New Arrivals" page. It is with a heavy heart that I tell you they can no longer be trusted. I don't know what about these pants GRABBED them in such a way that demanded they stock their warehouse with them. Is "hammer time" an inside joke in the fashion industry?

These are called "Fashion Student Pants". How stuck up is that?

For only $39.99, you can sport baggy anorexic chic style in your "Ideal in Every Way" pants.

The "Half-way There Jeans in Long". Perfect for wading in the muddy Swamps of Sadness crying out "Artax! You'll die! Move, please!" You'll get bonus caucasian points for wearing them with your dad's penny-loafers.

"All the Livelong Day" implies that these have a railroadesque quality, right? Umm, okay. Here's he deal. If you ever wear pants that go up past your belly button, you automatically become 80 years old (at least) OR a toddler. Either way, instead of workin' on the railroad, it looks like you've been workin' on making a poopie. You could use it to get a discount at the movies, right? Yay, fashion! You're so fucking relevant!

Oh, honey. You are clearly the victim of bad advice. See, fashion industry? Time to give up the inside jokes because it's affecting peoples lives. Everything about this girl is wrong. Even she has uncertain posture - trust that gut feeling, sweetie. It won't lie to you, unlike your cruel friends and the runway trends that show up in blogs but have virtually no translation to real, everyday wardrobe picks.

Now. If you're about to leave some comment like aw, i think theyre cute!! i wish i could own a pair of those! then here's a quiz. If you can tell if this photo was from the 80s or 2010s, I give up. At life.

Why should I tell you? THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE.

Cannibalism in Germany

2010-08-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

I scream, you scream, we all scream for SOYLENT GREEN! A rumor running wild on the internets now is about a restaurant in Germany that serves, among other fine meats, human flesh. They're advertising for donors and you guys, I can't imagine how expensive it's gonna be to eat some people mignon. By donors, I don't mean distraught and emotionally devastated individuals willing to commit suicide - I mean people that don't enjoy having their tonsils, or their extra kidney, appendages, and other such body parts.

Can you even fathom that kind of broke? Selling plasma or sperm is one thing, but having surgery to remove your choice cuts of meat?

From the Guardian UK article, which expresses some doubt as to the existence of the some-dude's-weiner schnitzel restaurant in Berlin: "Members declare themselves willing to donate any part of their body," the advertisement reads, adding that any resulting hospital costs will be taken on by the restaurant. They say they are also looking to employ an "open-minded surgeon".

You see, cannibalism isn't actually illegal in Deutschland. Per se.

You can't always see why there could ever be a reason to create such a law in the first place.. it takes some really twisted foresight to put a bill in front of congress prohibiting piss-drinking or making Halloween masks out of feces and papier mache, but some arschlochen (that's German for assholes) just be wilin'. Such as Armin Miewes. A name I KNOW you won't soon forget. It's so gross that I don't want to go there right now, so go here instead and read about it.

Psst, Armin, you've got a speck of testicle in your teeth.

There are an estimated 800+ Germans who partake in Cannibalism.

(Source: Guardian UK link above)

Come on baby light my fire (and chase my ass around the block)

2010-08-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

Close your eyes for a minute and consider the forecast in purgatory today. What do you see? A smoky haze with a chance of fireballs in the mid to late evening? Now open your eyes (because you just read that last sentence with your eyes closed. I'm awesome.) and see if this looks like the picnic weather you were just picturing.

This is not a scene from the next Left Behind movie. It's not footage from the Mars Rover. You have not died, nor are you dreaming. Pinch yourself. Eh? Still around? Good for you. You see, it's not just Lucifer playing with matches in his scorching caves of insolence, Mother Nature is also a fan. She's downright whimsical, that one.

FIRE TORNADOES. They're real. If you think you see one, stand not amazed! Nor horrified! It's not God's pillar of fire and it will not lead your captive ass out of Egypt. And for goodness sakes, don't be that giggling dumbass flipping out their camera phone. If you don't run like the wind or faster than, you could be damning yourself to a horrible demise - fire tornadoes or "fire whirls" killed 38,000 people in only 15 minutes in 1923 Tokyo. And someone will probably put it on YouTube. (And all God's people said "teehee"?)

Fire whirls happen much the same way a regular tornado does - under the right temperatures and air pressure, something as simple as a lightning strike to an oil tank can cause one. It happened in 1926 in San Luis Obispo, Cali. They're rare, but the fact that they happen in the first place is enough to keep me up at night, especially during a storm. If there are any readers in Orlando Florida, waaaatch ooooout! You live in the lightning capital of the world! If God truly does punish some of the evilest people, keep in mind that Benny Hinn lives in pink mansion in Orlando. If he's not an abomination, I truly am confused in my life...

Japan's 1923 hellish whirl was caused by a firestorm. Yes, a firestorm, which was caused by the Great Kanto Earthquake, another manifestation of Mother Nature's phantasmagorical whimsy. You know what? Mother Nature isn't a mother at all, she's got a dissociative identity disorder and sometimes she's a little boy. Let's just get that straight.

It really puts this douchebag in perspective.

# I've Lost Count. Peanut Eminem Part Deux.

2010-07-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

How do I put this... Okay, Matty B, you're a cute kid and all. I'm sure you're really popular with the ladies in your third grade class. And I bet your parents are proud of all the hits your music video got on Youtube. The weird thing is that it's almost funny. Almost. Then a Caucasian avalanche of lame white-washes the scene. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that white people can't rap. One of my favorite white rappers is MC Paul Barman - and he's a jew! What I'm saying is this: if there's a hip-hop equivalent to beauty pageant kids, don't be that kid. Cause that's creepy.

Also, can we stop ruining everything I love?

#68 The Candwich

2010-07-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

Get a load of Candwich, the "fast and convenient sandwich product for grab-and-go convenience!" Yes, ladies and gents, sandwich product.

Oh, how food has devolved. We ate like Kings and Queens as hunter-gatherers when the only thing between a prime cut of woolly mammoth and your ass was a dagger. So inconvenient.

Fast Forward to 2009: sandwiches and lunchables are the standard school lunch because they're easy to pack in a lunchbox and keep relatively well for a couple of hours without refrigeration. We've still got it pretty good, considering we don't have to kill any beasts. We didn't know what we were missing!

As of 2010, Candwiches are available in PB&J Grape, PB&J Strawberry, and BBQ Chicken. It's gotta be better than the Cheeseburger In a Can, right?

More like SEO WTF

2010-06-26T21:23:00.000-07:00

New favorite site! Kind of! It's one of those "wish I'd thought of that" things.

Note to self: next time you have an okay-i-guess idea, pursue it, pursue it, pursue it.

So! On to SEOLOL. That's Search Engine Optimization Laugh Out Loud. There's this guy who takes unbelievably absurd and oddly specific Google search queries and lists them on an infrequently updated blog. I hope that changes. Here's the url again if you missed it!

Here's a quick sampling of some of my personal favorites:

Abraham Lincoln Gettysburg Address Youtube Videos
Mapquest, please show me United Arab Emerites
How do marijuana effects learning
Braille Playboy
Can a horse have ocd?

#699 Muslim Dolls

2010-06-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

Meet Fulla. She's Muslim and not afraid to show it. My first thought was Are you kidding me? After some time, I'm still struggling with the idea of female oppression in the countries where this doll's market originates. Is it weird to play dress-up with a doll (assuming it must be undressed) whose modest fashion is it's major selling point? I don't mean to offend anyone's religion here, unless you're Mormon or Scientologist, but I just have to wonder if playing with a toy hijab is not as blasphemous as say, a doll with sacred Mormon garments?

Unofficial Mormon Garments Barbie

Researching Fulla and the psychology behind raising honorable, halal daughters in muslim countries, I found this interesting (if not culturally confusing) doll:

Fulla the Dentist has me in utter awe. Education for women in muslim societies is not as faux pas as most Americans believe. (Source: "Islamic Women in Science") The Fulla the Dentist doll not only comes with Fulla, adorned in a blue hijab, a patient, and basic dental equipment and decorations, but also an educational booklet for ambitious Muslim girls.

Dolls are about two things: make-believe and fashion. I just wish that these dolls were a bit more fashionable, really. Just look at this frumpy Arrosa Doll, who either owns a Chico's Credit Card or sews her own clothes out of vintage parachutes:

Or this Muslim Ninja Lady!

One thing is clear: women's bodies are hidden from a very young age. Is it out of respect for women, or are the males of the culture barbarically possessive? Take the weather into account. This week, the weather in Medina, Saudi Arabia, is a consistent 111 degrees Fahrenheit. The women that wear hijabs in that kind of heat are ROCK STARS.

Not all Muslim women wear hijabs. It could be "better" or "worse" depending on what your own opinions and beliefs are. My own opinion is that the Muslim dolls below are for the worse:

Burqa Barbie - It's real!

A handmade Burqa doll, via MediaSlog

A multicultural comparison.

Yes, a burqa is muuuch worse than what this doll is wearing but take a close look: the trim on the dress is of girls wearing gowns - WITHOUT HIJABS. WTF?!

Have dolls gotten out of hand across the globe? Hmm, let's take a look!

JAPAN: We've seen other semi-educational dolls about pregnancy, but none were this traumatic. The mother looks like an Asian Spock strewn with stretch marks the size of tree roots. She comes with placenta and interchangeable fetuses at different ages.

CHINA: Male? Female? Victim of an abominable sex-change catastrophe? I wish I could read Russian, damnit! These unisex dolls are actually from China, but all I can find out about it is on Russian sites, which I suppose makes sense from the photo above.

UPDATE: A commenter loosely translated the Russian! Thanks! It reads:

We received signals of this strange doll coming to market shelves in cities of Kaliningrad and Chelyabinsk. The doll is made in China, and priced at laughable 12-15 roubles. She’s dressed in pajama, but take that off, and something unusual you will find there girls should have not. Explaining small children what a “hermaphrodites” are is a complicated task, you would agree. Useless as well. Though… World has changed a lot lately!

RUSSIA - Oh, Russia. We knew you had it in you. These artisan dolls are perhaps a bit too anatomically correct - would your Barbies have strolled with Skipper or rolled in the hay if they were anatomically correct?

UNITED STATES - The Bratz dolls. All of 'em. Slutty as heeeeeellll.

UNITED STATES - Real Dolls are not meant for children. I hope this is obvious to you. Real Dolls can be male or female with certain erogenous features, attachments, and "upgrades". They just give me the willies (pun NOT intended) so find out more about them your own damn self. By the way, I get a ton of traffic for the picture above and I'm not sure what I think about that. Um. Th - thanks? Weirdo.

I guess this is my point. Middle Eastern women are beautiful creatures. No woman deserves oppression, and to come full circle, no woman deserves to be seen as a piece of meat. I really wish the Middle East could find some common ground. A la...

#698 Ginger Hulk, Part II ...

2010-05-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

dot dot dot!

So here's more about the Carrot Top Apocalypse!

Ever since he performed on America's Funniest Home Movies in the Bob Saget years, I've thought Carrot Top was funny... rarely, though on occasion. Over time it was like, really? Still doin' the props thing? Aight...

Then he got hooked on plastic surgery and roids and turned himself into The Ginger Hulk. He's not just a dork anymore, he's a BIG TERRIFYING DORK! Check it out. He has to strain to keep his lips closed.

Yeah, it's not over yet. Why would anyone ever suggest he get a perm? Is it not bad enough already? A perm?

Sorry I can't be more professional about this guys but right now I'm about to puke. The tan! The unbuttonedness! The nausea!

Do you ever watch a movie called The Hugga Bunch as a kid? Totally. Looks. Like.

Hold on to your seats for this one!

Aaaaaahhhhhh!

If Carrot Top were a haggard old shrew whose father was Leatherface, he would be Jackie Stallone!

Yep! It's hard to believe you're not seeing into the future, eh? Jackie Stallone is Sylvester Stallone's Mom. She's also addicted to plastic surgery and I'd bet money that they see the same guy. Somebody needs to throw that surgeon's ass outta Vegas for plagiarism.

Ah, and now it's time for the million dollar question. Does Carrot Top have a girlfriend?

I can't say I know the guy but I'm almost positive his baby mama left a comment on one of these blog posts somewhere... she may even leave one here... who knows???

Now for gods sake people, go to Cute Overload and be done with this orange hell!

#667 Pedophile Island

2010-05-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

Meet Douglas R. Hughes.

He wants to be the St. Patrick of California, and instead of snakes he wants to purge the pedophiles. It's kind of ingenius, and kinda not. You see, if California elects Hughes as governor, pedophiles would be given three options:

1. Remain in prison for life.
2. Move out of the state.
3. Go back to your home on Pedophile Island.

Hmm. Moving out of state could be complicated, but it's better than life in prison, no? Unless... hm... what would life on Pedophile island be?

WIN

2010-05-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ahem. This just in. Jihad Just Got Jurassic.

Thanks to Charlie of Gate City Blues for passing this along!

#712 Scary People Part 1

2010-05-16T15:40:00.000-07:00

#67 Randomness from Feedjit

2010-05-10T09:34:00.000-07:00

This is so random that I had to post it. Checking up on my Feedjit traffic a moment ago, someone from Abu Dhabi found my blog from Google. This is what they were searching for:

at hot fuking laidy madam mim

#63 Vajazzling & Penazzling

2010-05-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

Okay. Let's do this without puking. I haven't written a post that curdled my stomach acid this bad since the one about Carrot Top (in which his actual girlfriend left a comment). This one's not exactly safe for work.

I've never met the girl, but I've always found Jennifer Love Hewitt's slutty-virgin act insufferable. Girls like me love to hate a fake, especially when every guy on the planet would tap that fake ass. I feel somewhat obligated to offer up her least flattering photo here in my defense. Well, ladies and gentleman, Jennifer Love Hewitt has outdone herself. Do you remember the 90s teen crafting machine called The Bedazzler?

Does it not look like a practical joke that some humorless teenyboppers took to the bank? Yes, we have Jennifer Love Hewitt to thank for promoting the Vajazzling service offered by New York City spa Completely Bare in an interview with Mario Lopez for Extra! Well, Jennifer, this doesn't qualify as "Extra" as much as "TMI". Furthermore, I can't help but wonder who wouldn't mind getting adhesive and rhinstones in their mouth. Ugh, wait, nevermind.

If you're rich and shallow enough, you can pimp your crotch to make it shine like that fucking wad from Twilight. But wait, there's more! Who else is behind this craze? Somebody that Extra! left out on purpose.

Cathy Griffin's public pap smear while vajazzled, for cancer.

After my initial dry heaving, there is still one question that begs to be asked: Suck what, Cathy?

Fashion has become a fourteen year old girl. I blame Jennifer Lopez. And Lady Gaga. See the mess you've started, girls?

All because one day someone yelled "fashion!" instead of "you should get that checked out." Vajazzling has hit Second Life, too. This is four-horsemen shit right here. Sorry, it makes me speechless in an I've-Lost-Hope sort of way.

You knew it was coming. No pun intended.

Penazzling!

What straight male gets this, if not for punishment in an abusive relationship? It could be a lot worse, I suppose.

Speaking of the nineties, doesn't this make you think of that song, "Losing My Sexuality"?

Okay, no. I'm sorry. Not even gay men could want this. Only this ungodly male creature could get excited about sparkly cocks:

Shhh, nobody tell David Bowie.

The End Is Not For a While

2010-05-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

These are guaranteed to make you smile. Or at least cause you to ponder humanity itself. Crumpet anyone?

sit with style by luciana on WeGIF

MIAUUU by luciana on WeGIF

loop over kid by luciana on WeGIF

Hippies Just Got Dirtier (and not in the fun way)

2010-04-29T22:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of the family cloth? It's an environmental measure taken to replace toilet paper with reusable squares of cloth. What would you do if you walked into someone's bathroom, couldn't find any TP, but saw this instead:

You might not have heard that a choice few of the environmentally-conscious are switching to cloth TP and challenging others to follow suit. Initially, the practice seems like an okay-if-you-can-live-like-that decision, but is it really? If one takes the measure to reduce tank water, or follow the "if it's yellow, let it mellow" rule, why is it better to use a washer instead? Surely you don't want to mix clothing with your soiled family cloth, but how can you stand the smell of the wipes even at a tenth of a washer load? And can you honestly say that you would wipe with a stranger's cloth, without a moment's hesitation about sanitation? Are you hoping that one day, everyone will carry their own poop-sheets around with them? Will mens' wallets afford space for wipes in the future? Really?

Not to mention the fact that family cloths have been commercialized by the tarts at Etsy.

Yeah, I said it.

The same* Phish-loving hippies with co-op memberships who think the words "indie" and "holy" are synonymous are putting their cause on hold for fucking ETSY sales. Yeah, that basil leaf of a business model that you felt so strongly about? It won't overpower the taste of your foot in your mouth

And what might these colorful duds be? Take a guess! If you guessed "menstrual pads", you lose! Because we all lose, and its Crea8tiveMama's fault. The idea of a woman wearing this makes me feel icky and gross (sorry to be poetic) in a way I can't put into words. Does it even look like these were made out of recycled materials, or like they came from Joanne's Fabrics on special? Again, take a wild guess! Who really knows where the fabric came from. Maybe from Wales, if it's flannel. Or maybe from Cangnan factory in China, which also makes post-it notes. PAPER. Not to mention Chinese labor laws and the idea of cutting costs by shopping at a fucking corporation.

In short, I may not always believe in other people's rules; when they break their own rules is when I lose respect for them (My wise friend Will once said.) Their initiative forces me to think outside of my comfort level and that's the kind of conviction that gets shit done, but only after they've thoroughly researched the ideas and basic supplies they integrate. They call us non-cloth, paper-burning squares ignorant. Yet they haven't met a bandwagon they didn't like.

*Disclaimer: not all Etsy sellers are hippies. I have it on good authority that quite a few are Christian housewives/Mormons that wield glue-guns (shock!) and paper-craft machines (awe!).

Freedom of Speech Sucks Sometimes.

2010-04-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

There's a big difference between free speech and hate speech. This guy walks the line (with a cane.)

Anyone else think this belongs on WTFDYHAK?

But really, can we please call a babysitter next time you plan to protest at a funeral?

“It's the people whose homes and property are being violated, it's the drive-by that -- the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway. The state of Arizona is acting and doing what they feel they need to do in light of the fact that the federal government is not fulfilling its fundamental responsibility to secure our borders. Look, our border is not secured. Our citizens are not safe."

- John McCain, to Bill O'Reilly, about his plans to implement racial profiling in Arizona.

They hate us for our freedom? Which "they"? Conservatives and terrorists alike?

See what I mean about walking the line? This is just veiled racism, bursting with contempt.

"I'm a huge supporter of women. What I'm not is a supporter of liberalism. Feminism is what I oppose. Feminism has led women astray. I love the women's movement — especially when walking behind it."
Rush Limbaugh.

"When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." – Glenn Beck, Sept. 9, 2005

Cat memes. Keyboard Cat, I Can Haz Cheezburger, and cat bloggers, all of you. China, you're missing out.

Disney's Apocalypse Began in 1967

2010-04-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

To be more specific, the end for Disney was nigh at hand with the fucking Jungle Book. Yeah, sure, I love Louis Prima as much as the next guy, but really. REALLY. 1967 is when Disney had to start making budget cuts? Check out this sacrilege:

Thankfully it wasn't the most endearing villain of all time, Madam Mim. She's kinda my homegirl. Just look at this marvelous bitch:

I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you, my dear.

Oh, and before I forget.

I MUST OWN THIS. For one thing, it's fucking Madam fucking Mim. For another, she's got a Weard (a woman-beard). Check out that five-o'clock shadow!

Matilda can waltz elsewhere for the time being.

2010-04-10T03:42:00.000-07:00

Holy shit y'all, it's Springtime, or bugtime, in wimpanese. Spiders and stinkbugs and wasps, oh nooo!

I'm perpetuating a stereotype, I know. You would think I had tourets if within five minutes of meeting me, I found a spider in the room. That's how bad it is. If it's any consolation to my gender, I truly believe that the world can be fixed with a little duct tape AND I'm waiting for the perfect opportunity to Meatspin* one of my male coworkers.

Despite the wasps (that don't lose their stinger and may in fact see fit to continue stabbing you with their venomous asses!) building their empire under my front porch light, and in spite of the bulbous spider in my living room last week that I thought might be full of teensy gangly babies but was full of pus (really! which would you rather? Honestly?!), I'm rejoicing in the absence of greater misfortune.

That word, misfortune. It's so often an understatement. Cause if I ran into one these fuckers on a lackadaisical hike, I would assume I'd done something monstrous and was indeed in hell.

Exploding Ant

Ever heard of the term "suicidal altruism"? Oh no? Well it's bullshit! And it's hitting the fan in Brunei. Worker ants of the species Camponotus Saundersi defend their colonies, kamikaze style, by intentionally rupturing the poison they store naturally in their unsually large mandibles. I can't find a video of this anywhere, however this page in French seems to demonstrate the whole buzzkill.

Asian Giant Hornet

Guess what you can do in Asia?! Welllll. If you somehow manage to dodge the sting of this mammothlike insect, you're the exception to the rule and shall win a prize (see below). But first, let's check out your amazing odds. Dozens of people in Japan, China, Russia and other Asian countries die from the sting of this hornet every year. It's toxicity is not only impressive, it's the stuff of nightmares. Steven King himself could not make this shit up.

The venom in this bugger's sting has the opposite effect of painkillers. Rather than silencing those neurological pain signals that acetominophen and naproxen sodium keep on the DL, it intensifies pain, which has been described as a "hot needle entering the body". What the fuck.

And that's not even the worse part: the venom can make your skin melt and dissolve like acid. It's also known to defensively chase a perceived threat for great distances. Like from the Yang-Tse to France. It was probably a cargo ship that introduced the species, actually, but they're population in France has been growing like weeds, threatening the honey bee population. Boo hoo?

So! Guess what your grand prize is? Hornet sashimi! Yum!

So not a joke. Hornet larvae sushi.

Whistling / Barking / Bird-Eating Spider

At the very least, this is an eccentric tarantula. It's shy, it lives in holes in the dirt, it minds its own spidery business. When provoked, however, by an average suburban Australian gardener with a trowel, this six inch spider will HISS. Apparently this spider thinks its a cat. It preys on the same doorstep "gifts" that a cat would, such as small birds, frogs, mice, and lizards. Oh, I almost forgot to mention. They can live anywhere between 30-80 years.

Bulldog Ant

G'day, Mate!

The bulldog ant, or the "jack jumper", is almost a respectable genus of insect. It has to procreate to live. Adult ants cannot digest solid proteins, so it regurgitates small insects, gums, and honeydew to its young. Their litter of bulldog ant puppies then oozes a much more agreeable meal. It's the biggest ant in the world, too. A whopping two inches long! Thus, this ant will take over the world. Well, actually, that's debatable. These ants are like testosterone-pumped body-builders. All mandible, no IQ:

"...if it is cut in two, a battle begins between the head and the tail. The head seizes the tail in its teeth, and the tail defends itself bravely by stinging the head: the battle may last for half an hour, until they die or are dragged away by other ants..." (Wiki)

Speaking of which, what's the difference between a bulldog ant and a hockey mom?

Spider Wasp

Spiders have got it coming, I know that much, but this is still pretty cold hearted. And straight out of Alien. The spider wasp prepares a nest and attacks a spider, rendering it paralyzed. It's helpless as it's toted off by a wasp that closely resembles Zorak the praying mantis from Space Ghost Coast to Coast. Look at those eyes!

The wasp rides off into the sunset with the spider with incredibly dark intentions. In its nest, the wasp lays its eggs onto the abdomen of the spider. As the larvae hatch into little cold hearted wasp babies, they will feed on the spider. WHILE IT'S STILL ALIVE.

Moral of the story, kids, is don't go to the rainforest, or to Southeast Asia, or to Australia. In fact, Greenland is paradise this time of year. You might even be able to arrange a timeshare in the very near future.

*You don't wanna know. But you can find out if you google it. This is your warning. Some things cannot be unseen. That's all I'm gonna say.

A Sad One.

2010-04-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

Could someone please tell me what the HELL is going on in China?

"Chinese Fishermen Find Dead Babies Dumped in River"

It's a tough read. Twenty-one babies.

What I've Learned - Satan

2010-03-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

I prefer Mephistopheles. God calls me Satan.

These days, a lot of people overestimate what they can get for their souls. Frankly, it's a buyer's market.

I'm not gonna lie to you. Heaven is a nice place. All the harp music just made me snap.

First sit through a David Arquette movie, then talk to me about eternal suffering.

I generally tell people to bring lots of bottled water, a good pair of sunglasses, and plenty of SPF 45.
When you're in hell, you have a horrible eternal thirst that can never, ever be quenched -- but a cold, crisp Heineken comes close.

I used to try to cover my horns with a hat. I look back at old pictures and it's like, what was I thinking?

Please, I don't even own that pitchfork anymore!

I see you're working on a Mac laptop. Myself, I'm a Windows guy, 100 percent.

Clean while you cook. I can't stress that enough.

Have you heard the expression "Hell is other people"? This is true, especially if the other people are French.

The most evil person ever? Hmmm. Good question, good question. How'd God answer that one?
If you're just talking about the numbers, then of course, Hitler. But start looking at the intangibles and Courtney Love emerges as a real contender.

If you think I'm bad, you should meet my agent.

Christianity is all about tolerance and sharing and hugs. Then the devil worshipers show up, and it's like, "Check, please." I can't stand that kind of hypocrisy.

God's an easy man to love but a hard guy to live with.

At least down here you can still smoke in bars.

You spend millions of eons cultivating serious fear and loathing -- really working on your craft, you know? Then some copywriter at Ogilvy thinks it would be real clever to use a little devil to sell his ass ointment. Poof! There goes your credibility. As an artist, that can be frustrating.

I'm not taking all the credit, but honestly, can you name a better party snack than the deviled egg?

I don't know if I'd use the term "role model," but yeah, Mike Eisner is someone I look up to.

With the number of publicists we have down here, you'd think we'd have a better image.

I don't care what he does next, I am not admitting Mike Tyson. That dude is twisted.

I hung a WELCOME KEITH RICHARDS banner down here every day for forty years. Eventually I just gave up.

When you're the devil, women instantly suspect your motives.

Also, Asian restaurants assume you want everything "extra spicy."

Truthfully, I can't tell you exactly why it didn't work out between me and Christina Aguilera. I will say this, though: There's sinister, and then there's just plain dirty.

Seriously, though, what the hell is brimstone?

Take it from a guy who spends a lot of time hovering around people's ears, waxy buildup is a huge problem.

You think you've got it all figured out and then Christian rock comes along and messes with the boundaries.

I wouldn't mind seeing Colin Farrell play me.

That whole "idle hands" thing really irks me. I mean, war, pestilence, reality television -- that stuff doesn't just happen by itself.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

via

Little Miss Greater Valhalla 2010

2010-03-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

This isn't creepy at ALLLLL. Can you spot the soul eater?

Scientology Offices are Creepy as Fuck.

2010-03-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

A work of fiction.. is a religion.. is a corporation.. is a politician. Etc.

Corporations can now make donations to election candidates, they're legally considered a "person", and they're taking over the fucking world. Just take a look: half of the top twenty of Forbes' list of The World's Most Powerful People work for corporations. Nine are government officials. One is the pope. A wise man once said, "cash rules everything around me; dolla dolla bill yo." I have never agreed more.

In the 19th century, a "religious" group like the Scientologists wouldn't have a prayer. Nowadays, it's essentially a constitutionally protected corporation with non-profit religion status. Membership in the Scientologist church has dropped 50% in the last ten years and churches are closing. Yet a church of millionaires, billionaires, and celebrities will never die. Too many connections, too much money, too many naive people that need a friend, be it Jesus or Xenu, the alien who put your human soul into a volcano millenia ago. Too bad most of them will never be able to afford the $277,010 fee to become enlightened.

Live and let live. Is something that's hard for me to say. Especially when dissenters are blacklisted from their networks, bankrupted, and lose all of their belongings and their livlihoods. If they don't disappear.

Speaking of which. IF I DISAPPEAR, YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS UP.

The Church of Scientology is no longer accelerating and momentum is sputtering. The only reliable stream of new membership they can count on is the fertility of their faithful. But! These creeps, punch-drunk from ridding their bodies of extraterrestrial negative energy will never, ever shut down. Think of Scientologists like Fox News. And Tom Cruise, like Rupert Murdoch, if you will. No matter how much disrepute it draws, there will always be ignorance, short-sightedness, and denial.

Here are a couple of images from the offices of the Scientologist Church. On a scale of one to ten, how Eyes Wide Shut is this?*

See more photos at their own site: The Church of Scientology, Religious Technology Center

What the fuck? I mean, what is UP with all the symbolism on the wall? It looks like a modernized tomb with heiroglyphs on the wall. Eeeeep!

What I really want to find are photos of where this great "enlightenment" happens. It's a cruise ship called Freewinds. My opinion? Crazy shit goes down that can only take place in international waters. Either that, or it's a graduation from their underground complexes, which must be for the underlings. I can't find any photos of the inside, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it looks something like this:

*Eh? Eh? Get it? I think this movie saved Nicole Kidman.

WeeSee? WeeStupid...

2010-02-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

"Part art installation, part pacifier, WeeSee is a (DVD) collection of black-and-white animations built from basic shapes to delight both child and parent. As vision develops slowly over the first months of life, WeeSee provides surfaces of bold, well-defined artwork to engage your baby’s curious mind and bring the screen to vibrant life."

I'm sorry, part pacifier? Do they have to be so blunt? Isn't that what television IS?In recent news, the makers of the Baby Einstein DVDs have come under fire because their product doesn't work. Doesn't come anywhere close to working; want to know why? Because television isn't generally recommended for children under the age of two. In fact, it may even be counter-productive.

WeeSee is for the first couple of months of life?

But I digress. Scientific research aside, hypnotized babies watching simplistic patterns on a television screen are freakin' creepy. They're clearly a part of the minions of Lucifer. EVIL. BABY. MINIONS.

SCREWED.

2010-01-29T15:07:00.000-08:00

You best freakin' believe that he will fuck you up.

When will the Earth end?

2010-01-29T15:03:00.001-08:00

One of the biblical signs of the apocalypse has occurred.

John Edwards Has a Sex Tape?

2010-01-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's with his baby momma and Noooooo I don't know/ wanna know where you can find it.

According to Gawker, Edwards' aide Andrew Young found an unmarked DVD which would contain "sexual acts" between Edwards and his mistress/camerawoman Rielle Hunter. Young, ever the loyal campaign-cultist, added something that no one needs to know: John Edwards has a particularly long, erm, salute.Who wants to see these people make whoopee? His smiles look pained as if he were a chipmunk trying to hold in a fart. And just look at Rielle - are you trying to pull off the "cougar" look? Cause you look like grannie busted out of the home and disguised herself in a fourth-grader's clothes.
John Edwards, you continue to surprise me. You're supposed to be this progressive intellectual from the South, storming congress with the walking oxymoron that is you. Then you go and prove that you're just like other politicians: you're not particularly intelligent, you're a puppet with money.

Whoooo does that kind of thing when they're famous? Paris can get away with having a sex tape because she's a skinny blonde hottie and an heiress to a fortune that she couldn't fit in her mouth. If you're in the public eye because of your ideas & principles, and your mistress says Hey, let's make our own dirty movie your gut reaction should be Have you lost your damn mind?

I've figured out why I distrusted him before. It's this look right here! It's like he got cosmetic surgery to look condescending at all times. It's this look that says, "I'm so sorry that you're wrong and I'm right. My condolences on your wrongness."His ego was pretty big before. Now that the world knows he's got a big penis? He'll be insuffrable. Nothing but gassy chipmunk smiles.

On a side note, Mr. Andrew Young, I know what it feels like to accidentally happen upon the sex tape of someone you work with. You, sir, have my condolences.

Even Asian Kids Are Fat Now?

2010-01-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hope: The Obama Musical Story

2010-01-14T17:06:00.000-08:00

I'm cursed. Whenever I develop a fondness for something, some jackass has to twist it into something utterly lame. First it was Edward Norton when some GENIUS in Hollywood decided to remake The Incredible Hulk (after five years) and thought hey, let's bring in the gangly lead from Fight Club!

YES WE CAN! But... should you? "Hope: The Obama Musical Story" proves that there are worse things we can do with our freedom. Because this is what Germany is doing with its.

The following video is extremely disturbing. No wait. Lets rejoice in the absence of greater misfortune, here. I rejoice that Obama won the election because otherwise, this might be a clip glorifying the triumph of John McCain. And no one likes to watch crusty old dudes burst into song. If I wanted to watch that, I'd go to a nursing home in San Francisco. Without further ADD ado:

At least they brought in the talent big guns to play one of the most important people in the history of American politics. Jimmie Wilson, who takes on the role of President Obama, was once in a production of "Sisterella". That's right. Sisterella. The Michael Jackson musical. So yeah, he's kind of a big deal.

Roofie Chasers

2010-01-07T13:39:00.000-08:00

Ed Hardy V.I.F. Beverages!

As colorful as the vomit in your sink and the noise in your hungover brain.

Apparently, I'm the last person to know. Ed Hardy makes alcoholic drinks. If Sparks wasn't enough already... and I hear it tastes just like Hi-C. I would like us all to take a moment of silence for the girls of the State of New Jersey. You're fucked.Stay Classy, New Jersey!

The one about placenta.

2009-11-18T13:44:00.000-08:00

Placenta is to cannibalism as methadone is to drug addiction. It's horrifying to think that someone ever thought it was a good idea to put placenta into their mouth. And yet, some people swear it's tasty! Just ask "calvinsmom" from this disturbing website: When I asked what it tasted like they said it tasted like Filet Mignon. No joke.

Well roll me in butter and call me a biscuit! It sure looks like a treat to me! Hot DAMN, calvinsmom, I think you're on to something!!!If it doesn't blow your mind that we live in an age where one can find AFTERBIRTH RECIPES from a webmaster who spent time experimenting in the kitchen, brainstorming ideas, and then copied it all down to share with the world, you might just be as bad as they are. Who are they, you ask?

Aside from our friend calvinsmom, Alex Green is one such individual. For some reason, he feels a little bit angry at how society views the placenta. “It was really about provoking a debate about placentas and how we treat them.” What was about provoking debate you ask? He has created a Placenta Teddy Bear Kit. Read that last sentance again. Let it sink in for a little while. If you're still all "huh", here's a direct quote from Alex Green:

“(The Placenta "Twin Teddy" kit is a) crafty alternative for those who don’t necessarily want to eat their baby’s placenta , but want to pay their respects to the life-sustaining organ by turning it into a one-of-a-kind teddy bear. Green’s Twin Teddy Kit ‘celebrates the unity of the infant, the mother and the placenta,’ and enables preparation of the placenta so it may be transformed into a teddy bear.”

And how exactly do you make one of those? By cutting the placenta in half, curing with sea salt, drying it out entirely, and emulsifying it with tannen and egg yolk for malleability. And hell, why stop with a teddy bear? The possibilities seem endless! Oh, what else could be made? I'd have a lot of funny placenta statue suggestions if my brain weren't trying to vomit this idea out and far away from itself.

That debate you were hoping to provoke, Mr. Green? Not going to happen, although you might provoke my breakfast out of my digestive tract. You wouldn't want to disrespect something as important as breakfast, would you, Alex?
I wonder if it must be kept in a jar for fear of it coming to life and wreaking zombie havoc. This bear is seriously creepy looking, like something Leatherface would snuggle with during nap time.

Hypothetical question: if you found out your parents had made such a keepsake with your own afterbirth and then surprised you with it on your birthday, how freaked would you be on a scale of 1 to Ted Nugent?

The Pointy Bra is Back, y'all.

2009-11-05T16:05:00.000-08:00

The fashion world is all abuzz with a surprising comeback! Sales of the pointy bra have been skyrocketing. Wait, real people? Like, with boobs? And EYES? Those in the know (and hopefully with more fashion sense than fashion consumers) are trying to tie the idea of the pointy bra to the incomparable Marilyn Monroe.

The last time you heard the word "pointy bra", did you think of good ole Madge? I seriously doubt it. This is my advice to those in the know: let's not make this any more painful than it has to be. Don't try to catch up with it. Just let the tacky be. Leave it alone. Because unless you moved into a cave in Borneo in the 1970s, when you hear "pointy bra" you will only be reminded of this massive 80s Intimate Wear FAIL:

PEW! PEW!

Bees That Feed on Human Tears

2009-11-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

Once again, I so wish I was kidding. There are three species of worker bees that have evolved to depend on human tears for protein. Luckily for me, these bees are way the fuck over in Thailand. Don't believe me? Read em and weep.Way to be an asshole, bee. We already knew you were a douchebag with your built-in ass sword. You just had to have your mean cake and eat it, too. This is one of the most satirically villainous acts of assholery in nature. Just because you exist, I'm gonna start eating more honey. Oh, wait, was that yours? Whoops.

Etsy, no! Bad Etsy!

2009-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

What we have here are "menstrual beads", also known as the abacus of birth control, a silly and unreliable way for a girl to track her fertility. Really? Do we need jewelry to ward us against pregnancy, and if so, why aren't they rainbow-colored, glittery, and unicorn-scented? This has got to be the (albeit unimaginitive) Catholic answer to the pill. And really, if you need something this simplistic, please just get yourself fixed. You clearly do not need to procreate.

Unfortunately, this is exactly what it looks like. To all you young male virgins and Trekkies out there, this is a VAGINA NECKLACE. This is from the seller:

"After purchasing you can send 2-3 pictures of your Yoni to . Each piece is an original, one of a kind handmade sculpted image of it's owner... to remind her that she is beautiful."

Okay, first of all, why is she calling it a Yoni. Your product *might* appeal to strong women with feminist pride, so much in love with the idea of being a woman that they want to wear their vaj on their sleeve. It's confusing that she tiptoes around the word VAGINA. Yoni pride?

Second of all, you're really just a fifteen year old kid, right? Cause why would anyone ever aspire to base their career around photos of stranger's vaginas? Shouldn't you be paying us? Clever try.

Adam Savage Does Not Approve

2009-09-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

Although expensive, the array of toys available from the Discovery Channel Store is FREAKIN' mind-boggling. There are science kits that show you how to recycle your own paper, chart the constellations, create your own perfume, and there's even a Genetics & DNA kit, complete with goggles, test tubes, and a double helical model. For 10 year olds.

What I didn't expect to find in this educational store of stores was the Wooden Noah's Ark toy pack.
The details that Discovery Store lists are disconcerting: The flood has come! Help Noah and his wife save all the animals. Children can learn the various types of animals in Noah's Ark and they can have fun playing while learning about Noah's Ark history.

Apparenty, I'm not the only one that disapproves. Adam Savage, ginger extraordinaire and co-star of the Discovery Channel hit show Mythbusters, had an impromptu interview with Swoopy of the Skepticality podcast in 2007. This is what Adam had to say:

My goal this year is to prove natural selection on the show. It's gonna take a while, it's gonna be very hard to make it fascinating on film in the context of our narrative structure, but I figure screw it. The sky's the limit. Let's do natural selection. I'm sick of fifty percent of this country thinking creationism is reasonable. It's appalling. And I have the unique ability, maybe, to sell this idea to Discovery [Channel], and they'll, they might allow me to do it, and I'm gonna try as hard as I can.

However, Adam Savage's Wikipedia page also paraphrases another note in the same podcast:
"...such an episode is unlikely because MythBusters has a policy of not disproving supernatural phenomena."

Really? Adam, do you know what an oxymoron is? If you're unsure, read the sentance above.

Hide Your Toddlers!

2009-09-23T10:34:00.001-07:00

Nooooooooooooooo what the crap, man?!

RIP Hip Hop

2009-09-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

It is now the era of the "peanut eminem".

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

How to Go Viral

2009-09-14T15:14:00.001-07:00

Forget What Your Mama Taught Ya

I've never really a heard a song of Taylor Swift's that I just loved. Moreover, I used to own a Kanye West album years ago. I really hate to admit that today. Kanye West is proving himself to be the Hip Hop representative of the Douchebag Party.

Why is interruption okay in our culture? Sure, there's backlash, but it's not like they threw Kanye West out of the building. I know that Beyonce's music video was more famous than any other in a decade at least. I know that it's been copy-catted and parodied by children, obese men, and their mamas alike. Even if Taylor Swift's music video was the most boring, trite and dull video this year, you'll only look like an asshole by running up on stage and telling the winner they don't deserve their award.

It's not some Urban myth that Kanye has a bigger ego than sliced bread. Saying "hello" or "what up" are both appropriate ways to greet someone. It wouldn't shock me if Kanye said "bless you, my child" or "kiss the bling". In fact, I would bet he's more likely to talk to a stranger wearing sunglasses, just so he could see himself in the reflection. If he were making a political statement by interrupting, like Joe Wilson of South Carolina (see below) I might think it was funny. What Kanye did was downright hurtful and disrespectful. He may not think she's a worthy rockstar but she is person. I hope his Mom taught him some manners while she was alive.

The hardest working man in show business is Kanye West's publicist. And he just quit.

Five Reasons Why South Carolina Sucks

2009-09-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

These five people cost the southeastern state of South Carolina more cool points since Strom Thurmond.
Which wasn't that long ago.
5. Vanna White. Fuck her and the sequins she rode in on.

4. The Confederate Flag. Okay, so it's not a person. Rather, it stands for all the racist people who pretend to be historically clingy. Yes, that is actually a capitol building in SC with the Confederate Flag flapping in the wind. How patriotic is it to glorify a flag that represents a treasonous, prideful moment of history when the people of the South were basically all, "Take this country and shove it!" ? Who knows? In 150 years, it may be acceptable to fly a Nazi flag in Germany.

3. Governor Mark Sanford. He's a republican, he cheats on his wife, and no one is really surprised. It seems like John Edwards and Bill Clinton, prominent democrats, got a lot more grief for cheating on their wives. I hope his hot wife is a cougar.

2. Miss Teen South Carolina. Overweight valedictorians of South Carolina, you aren't wrong to be bitter.

1. Senator Joe Wilson. Y'know, the one that disrupted Obama's health care address with his outburst, calling Obama a liar? Here's as big of a picture as he deserves, with a fellow douchebag. Like peas in a pod.

There's got to be some redemption here, right?

You're goddamned right.

Stephen Colbert, South Carolina, born and raised.
Taking liberties with liberty since 1964.

10 Geek Tramp Stamps

2009-05-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Brilliant. Hot. Heartbreaking.

Second Life After Death?

2009-05-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

I know I use the word "ever" a lot. I may be a little over-the-top about a lot of things, but this is how my mind works: Jimmy Fallon Show = End of world. I, ME, MYSELF may be rash about things. But I'm not the only one. Check out what some of the great (mphhhahaha) minds of our time are philosophizing regarding Second Life, an RPG game, if you can call it anything but a-waste-of-your-dorky-virgin-time:

Second Life After Death

Article from the blog, My So-Called Second Life. Really? Can avatars be emo, sexually-repressed redheads? But I digress. Can an avatar be anything but emo?
I defy you not to laugh. Oh, don't worry. An "SL" post all itself coming soon.

#24 The Ashley Madison® Agency

2009-03-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Life is short. Stay awake for it.™ is Caribou Coffee's tagline.

I shake my head whenever a company uses mortality as the argument and lure of their brand. It comes across as uncreative and desperate rather than winning, to me. I even saw a commercial for a boat company whose tagline is simply, "Life is better with a boat!" The word "boat" could replaced with just about anything. Unmemorable. Yawn.

To make a hypocrite and an ass of me, The Ashley Madison® Agency has this tagline:

Life is short. Have an affair.™

!!!!! You've got my attention!!!!!

Now, I'm convinced there are two types of people in the world. A) The people who would hear this tagline and be shocked/ bummed out by it and B) the people who hear this tagline and would be shocked /enticed.

#26 Boo, Pope!

2009-03-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Steppin' out in Prada shoes.

This week, the Pope is telling the African sub-continent not to use condoms. An area of the planet with almost 70% of the AIDS cases in the world.

The week before, I read that the Pope is allowing the excommunications of the Mother and Doctors of a child rape victim, who received an abortion to save her life. This NINE YEAR OLD GIRL was pregnant with twins through rape/incest. Does the father/rapist sitting in jail also get excommunicated? No mention in the news accounts.

In January, the Pope reversed the excommunication of a Holocaust denier, welcoming former bishop William Richardson back into the church.

Boos and outrage.

#23 Scary Smart

2009-03-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

This equation is a set of infinities
within infinity a time within
spacetime a square within a square
a rhyme within a rhyme

If you were wondering, yes, this is a poem about spacetime.
If you were wondering, yes, some people are just this savvy.
If you were wondering, yes, some quantum physicists even have that kind of time.
If you were wondering, yes, they have a website.
If you were wondering, but not that curious, here is more of what you
and I
can never
hope
to understand.

Stimulated Emissions creating a chain reaction
of light, time and space.

#22 The Pope's Evil is Manifest, Mmkay?

2009-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's no astounding revelation that the pope is a demon incarnate with good intention in his fingers and toes (but the rest of him! oh, the rest of him..) Could they find a scarier pope than Benedict XVI? I mean, not only was this guy a Nazi youth who begged for pardons and delays in the cases of numerous pedophilic behavior of American priests, he also looks like Uncle Fester got an eating disorder.

yeesh!

Isn't the pope supposed to be the gentle, Christlike father figure of the Catholic church? Rather than appear to be a "soul-petter", his photos scream, "I'll chew your spirit in my egg white omelet with bell peppers and apathy sauce."

The Catholic church is in the weakest state it will ever be in, and we can blame this on science. Damn facts! They called blasphemy on Gallileo for claiming the Earth was not the center of the universe as God INTENDED. Thank goodness that the powers of a pope are as finite as the powers of the British royal family. Their posts have been utterly reduced to "Regal Squatter" and because of this, there really might be a God afterall.

#21 The McNuggetini

2009-02-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

L'chaim!

A McDonalds chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with barbecue sauce and topped garnished with a McNugget.

Not much else to say about this drink. 'Cept that I'm not hungry anymore.

Need more negative triggering? By all means, visit This Is Why You're Fat.

#20 Geniuses Don't Make Useful Technologies.

2009-02-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

The Japanese are among the smartest in the world per capita. That's only as racist as saying that black guys have big um, jewelry. The thing that bothers me is this: with all the disease and starvation in the world, THIS is how the braniac elites of this planet spend their energies:

This *houseplant* sits in a coffee shop and blogs about weather and temperature, using coordinative technologies to make sentances like "It is sunny today. It is cold today." Fascinating, fern. This plant updates more often than I do. And has better Page Rank.

What kind of productivity will be expected of me if a houseplant can accomplish data entry?

#19 Subpoenas Don't Really Matter

2009-02-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

What have we learned from the Sarah Palin Troopergate fiasco?

Well, we learned that:

a) Sarah Palin is perpetuating the stereotype that women can't help but bring their emotional, trite biases into the workplace.
b) Alaska sucks for a lot more reasons than the weather.

and

c) that Bristol Palin's baby daddy is *toast*.

The resolution to absolve the nine state workers (as well as Todd Palin, the governor's husband) for their subpoena no-shows concerning the Troopergate scandal PASSED in the Alaskan senate 16 TO 1!

Which means what, kids?

1 person in the Alaskan Senate can't be bought.

What else?

Felony + Subpoena ≠ Consequence

Doesn't it make you throw up a little?

#18 Candyland the Movie

2009-02-05T16:21:00.000-08:00

I see you on the other side of this screen.
Yeah, you.
You're shaking your head and asking me "really?"

Yes, really: it's directed by Kevin Lima who directed Enchanted (yawn) and the screenplay will be the lovechild of RIDLEY SCOTT and ETAN COHEN?! I thought I was supposed to respect these guys, cherishing their genius and return to their masterpieces again and again to relish in their splendor.

This is more confusing than that time I told my son to cross his legs and smile real pretty cause he's a man, damnit. Okay, I don't have a son. But if I did, I wouldn't fill his mind with this cinematic nonsense-garbage-crap.

Whuh huh huh?

All I can do is type because words fail me at the moment. I really wish I were talking about some cheap animations thrown together, voiced by profession extras, and marketed as a preview before Air Bud 5. They already did that and it was called "The Great Lollipop Adventure". This is probably a sign that, rather than the approaching apocalypse, I have far too much time on my hands... but IMDB.com's memorable quotes lists this screenwriting *gem*:

Mr. Mint: Holy strawberries, are we in a jam!

Ouch.

Think you've read the worst part? You totally haven't yet. The film is set to be a part of a four-film deal made with Hasbro. Whachacha? What else? How can you make movies about Hi Ho Cherrio? How can you develop entire scripts for Chutes and Ladders? I suppose they're doing Monopoly as well, huh?!

#17: Gay Penguin Babynappers

2009-02-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

No, really.

The Sun reported that these two penguin dudes were stealing heterosexual penguins' eggs, but I suppose they were successful on at least one attempt. The zookeepers at their zoo in Harbin, NE China, say that these are the best penguin parents. I don't know what kind of guidelines they use, but it's kind of cute...

And now they've made honest penguins of each other: they tied the knot recently!

#17 The Burqini

2009-01-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

They say that there is a lot of freedom in wearing modest clothes. I imagine this was a major selling point of the chastity belt. Kind of tough to see this kind of thing on a beautiful women when there is a rather large, shirtless man gawking in the background.

#16 DIY Taxidermy

2009-01-29T08:59:00.000-08:00

I thought it was fake.

I was wrong.

#14 The Doghouse is where it's at.

2009-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

You'll have a hard time keeping the kids from usurping the doghouse now. I thought most rich people had pekapoos, cockapoos and labradoodles - you know, all those dogs that sound that games you play with babies or the funky new crayola hybrid crayons.

I mean, if you can afford this kind of doghouse, why aren't you carrying your dog in your purse and getting side-by-side pedicures and hot stone massages?

I want a waterwheel at my house. No fair.

#14 Bedbugs are flesh-feeding and nocturnal.

2009-01-27T10:01:00.000-08:00

It turns out these little guys aren't so microscopic after all. My sheets get washed TONIGHT, damnit.

From Wikipedia: All bedbugs mate via a process termed traumatic insemination. Instead of inserting their genitalia into the female's reproductive tract as is typical in copulation, males instead pierce females with hypodermic genitalia and ejaculate into the body cavity. This form of mating is thought to have evolved as a way for males to overcome female mating resistance.

So, bedbugs get raped?

From Wikipedia: Female bedbugs can lay up to five eggs in a day and 500 during a lifetime.

Damn, that's a lot of rape. I'd almost feel sorry for them if they weren't fucking bedbugs.

In 2004, New York City had 377 bedbug violations. I'm guessing these were hotels.

Guess who's not going to NYC any time soon.

#13 Cat bloggers have time on their hands.

2009-01-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

Ray Eames

Kitten pride?

Mao in the Fields

Holy shit! I don't know what to make of it!
That is all.

#12 Tyler Perry is a national icon...

2009-01-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

Coming Soon: Madea Goes to Camp and Madea Scared Stupid.

... beloved by old black church ladies, their Aretha hats dotting Google Earth, all over America. I want you to know that there were a lot of images on Google's Image search engine that didn't include Tyler Perry's header at the top. Nah. I think he needs to be held accountable for this one.

To my great horror, I saw this in IMDB's February New Releases line-up. When I searched for it later to bring you the bad news, I found *two* titles of the same name. I guess its original 2006 release wasn't torturous enough.

#11 August Strindberg + Sienna Miller = bitter, talentless tears.

2009-01-23T19:57:00.000-08:00

She rather reminds me of Miss Piggy, if Miss Piggy's face were a dry-erase board that had been wiped blank.

Where do you remember this name from, damnit?! Oh yeah! It's that chick that always looks drugged out that Jude Law left his wife and kids for. You may have seen her in the pages of People magazine on a yacht with a sundried-tomato & vodka sundry in her hands and a married man between her... feet.

She has somehow managed to convince Hollywood that she is a) attractive and b) is a deeply talented actress.

Look, Britain: just because they're one of you it doesn't make it GOOD. Britain surely won't understand this. If they did, somebody would've taken revenge for the cruelly and ironically named Take That! that wouldn't even take Robbie Williams back.

Why am I ranting? Because I adore August Strindberg. It might sound intense, but when I first started acting and writing scripts in middle school, I went to Barnes & Noble and picked out my first book of plays. The book I chose was a piecemeal of Strindberg plays including the darkly romantic and short tale of Miss Julia. Okay, maybe "romantic" is a stretch.

Sienna Miller opted to leave the set of a new Robin Hood film called Nottingham (It was only a matter of time. That's another post for another day.) to star in the Broadway production of Miss Julia. This is the same girl from Casanova, Alfie, and oh, let's not forget the made for TV movie Almost Famous 2.

... let's all take a moment to consider how ridiculous this is.

... Mercy! Mercy! Okay, distraction. Here's the only image of Miss Miller I've ever thought was pretty.

#10 Ugly People Making Ugly Decisions in their Ugly Time

2009-01-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

You, ma'am, are what's wrong with this country.
P.S. are you a ma'am or a sir, by the way?

Thank GOD for beautiful people.

Happy Inauguration, President Obama! The country will now join me in groaning a big sigh of relief.

#9 Lets Sing a Bilingual Song for the Stimulus Plan

2009-01-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

I almost named this post "Jesus and Cockroaches" because that's what Boca Beth, a children's songwriter and performer, chooses to sing about. Ms. Beth is feeling particularly optimistic about this stimulus plan and chose to celebrate with this multi-lingual rendition of "La Cucaracha". Don't try to think about its relevancy though - your brain will ache in ways it shouldn't have to. In the meanwhile, enjoy La Cucaracha and toast to the inauguration of the man who might put the apocalypse off (for now).

I'm having trouble uploading the video, though I'm sure you're anxious to see it. No worries, though: I'll keep trying.

#8 Everything Has Been Done Before

2009-01-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

I've always thought that unintentional plagiarism isn't really plagiarism. Since there is no way to prove your originality to your peers, teachers, editors, bosses, and Christmas letter recipients, better use a tool! Plagiarism Detectors are used mostly by college students writing papers and now there is just no excuse (sorry).

http://www.plagiarism-detector.com/

#7 Harry Potter is hot.

2009-01-12T22:01:00.000-08:00

As of September (late on the draw, me!), Daniel Radcliffe has been starring in the Broadway version of "Equus", a story about a young man who is psychologically and sexually fascinated with horses. Quaint.

Set to star in the play for twenty-two weeks, Harry Potter gets to kiss a man, spoon a woman (and a horse or two, I'm guessing), and expose himself. Full frontal.

Skip this part, Mum: and you know, it turns out that years later, the dorky little wizard kid who owes his fame to a lucky bastardess of a writer is totally fuckable.

ps this isn't the whole photo

#6 The Burger King is your only friend.

2009-01-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

No one will ever love you like I do!

Unfortunately, he's a needy frat boy that takes fashion cues from Flavor Flav. Did you get laid off recently and find soup kitchens too utterly depressing? Are you facing the terrible reality that you might have to sell your computer or give up your wifi connection to feed your family? It turns out that all you need to do to eat these days is alienate your friends and loved ones.

Burger King is hosting an ingenius Facebook App (*golf clap* to BK SEOs) where you get a coupon for ONE FREE WHOPPER (a whopping $3.65 value) for deleting ten friends. No, really.

The funniest part: The "sacrifices" show up in your activity feed. So it'll say, for example, "Raezin sacrificed Josh Lowenstein for a free Whopper."

Keep your friends close, but delete them if you are a broke, trans-fat addicted sow.

"Bitches gotta get a fix."

#5 Babies Be Packin'

2009-01-09T14:04:00.000-08:00

From Yahoo News. JACKSON, Ohio – Police say an angry 4-year-old Ohio boy grabbed a gun from a closet and shot his baby sitter. Nathan Beavers, 18, was hospitalized Sunday with minor wounds to his arm and side after the shotgun attack. Police say another teen was also injured.

Witnesses told police the child was angry because Beavers accidentally stepped on his foot. Beavers was watching the child at a mobile home in Jackson with several other teenagers and several other children.
Jackson County Sheriff John Shashteen says authorities are investigating. The child has not been charged.

#4 The Thudguard

2009-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

The chosen domain was actually BabysFirstHeadGear.com. I don't believe I will grace them with a backlink. Those poor, poor kids. They've probably never heard of cake before. Somebody please sponsor them and send them 50 cents a day.

#3 Carrot Top Could Kick My Ass

2009-01-07T15:21:00.001-08:00

... granted, I am but a very teeny tiny person of no consequence....

or am i

P.S. Who the hell takes naked pictures of Carrot Top?
P.P.S. I think he must be the richest photographer.
P.P.P.S. This is not an edited picture. Dude!

Update: For more Carrot Top madness, please see #698 Most of My Hits Are For Carrot Top

#2 STDMatch.net

2009-01-07T14:12:00.000-08:00

It's a match made in...

... the bed of a rusty F1 pickup during a romantic interlude in the Holland Tunnel.

... the University Inn lounge with a girl named Harvey or any semblance of letters ending with "licious".

... the jacuzzi on a discount singles cruise with one too many quiet fellas wearing foggy glasses.

*shudder*

Upon researching this site, I found not one but FOUR STD Singles Matching websites. Wow.

I'm a romantic, a big fan of love. It's the reason we're alive, right? Sure it is. I'm glad that there is a place for Syphilicious Sorority Sisters to find Syphilicious Frat Brothers. I think there is someone for everybody.

But this is the end of the fucking world.

#1 - My First Windex & Shame Cart

2009-01-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Peanut! You can do anything you set your mind to. What do you want to be when you grow up?

What's that you say, Peanut?

You want to stack individually wrapped coffee cups on bathroom sinks and tuck mints into comforters at the Travelodge? I couldn't be more proud of you, half-squat. You'll be the archangel of unnecessary hand-towels one day.

W e l c o m e ...

2008-12-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

Reliable herald of the crumbling yellow brick road, at your service. In the future, I'll have an outlet for my increasing frustrations with elements of the end of times such as the Jimmy Fallon Show, Bratz dolls, The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2, and other things you may only want to see from a distance. My only hope is that this will be a tolerable enough distance.

Why?

I'm not religious and I'm not going to spout verses from Revelations any time soon. I'm not dying any more than I was yesterday (we could get philosophical here, but hey, give my first blog entry a break, will you?) and I don't know about any asteroid or horrible biological warfare plot.

Thus, I can only infer that this is indeed the end of times (see above reference to Jimmy Fallon).

Americans have become so apathetic to shady behavior and sucky things like CEOs getting bailed out and going on vacation immediately afterward. Even in some small way, I want to give some shout outs that I do care.

What can I do about it?

Write a blog (duh).

Coming soon: "The Top 10 Sexist Christmas Gifts for your Kids" and "Hamster Blogs and Other Signs That You Need Friends".

Cheers!